Why talk about love in counselling?
The word love often sits uneasily in counselling. Clients long for it, fear it, or have been wounded by its misuses. Therapists sometimes hesitate to name it at all, worried that the word itself could blur boundaries or carry implications of romance. Yet love remains at the heart of what it means to be human. It shapes attachment, belonging, safety, and trust. If counselling is a relationship that aims at healing, then questions about love cannot be avoided.
When I write about shame and honour, love is never far away. Shame emerges when our need for connection is threatened, while honour reflects the dignity of being received and respected in relationship. To talk about love is therefore to talk about the fragile yet powerful dynamics of care, recognition, and human worth.
The difficulty is that English uses one blunt word for a wide range of experiences. Other languages and cultures offer more nuanced vocabularies. Exploring these different expressions of love not only enriches our understanding of the human condition but also offers counsellors in the UK a deeper well of language, imagination, and practice.
The complexity of the word love in English
English speakers reach for the same word whether they mean romance, friendship, parental devotion, spiritual longing, or loyalty to a football team. It is no wonder confusion arises in therapy when a client says “I love you” or when a counsellor wants to communicate deep regard. The word is overburdened.
C. S. Lewis offered a helpful start by distinguishing between eros (romantic passion), philia (friendship), storge (affection within family), and agape (selfless or divine love). These categories are not perfect but they do show that English once knew more nuance than is often recognised. Counselling requires this same attentiveness. A therapist who offers unconditional positive regard is not offering eros. A client who longs to be seen with warmth is not asking for a romantic bond.
The poverty of English vocabulary risks misattunement. A single word hides many shades of meaning. Exploring how other cultures name and experience love can help counsellors translate these shades more carefully.
How other cultures shape love through language
Greek: eros, philia, storge, agape
Greek remains a touchstone because its distinctions are still echoed in theology, philosophy, and psychology.
Eros highlights passionate desire, which in therapy needs careful boundary work.
Philia expresses the chosen bond of friendship, often relevant when clients wrestle with loneliness or belonging.
Storge points to familial loyalty and affection, which can explain dynamics of obligation or caregiving.
Agape names the unconditional, self-giving love often linked with compassion and spiritual care.
Counsellors may find that what clients seek in therapy is closest to agape: a dependable regard that honours their dignity without demanding reciprocity.
Japanese: amae
In Japanese, amae refers to the comfort of leaning on another with the expectation of indulgence. It is the experience of a child resting against a parent, or an adult trusting a close friend to forgive small transgressions.
In counselling, clients may long for this kind of safety. They may test boundaries, seeking reassurance that their needs will not drive the therapist away. Understanding amae can help counsellors interpret these dynamics not as manipulation but as bids for secure attachment.
Korean: jeong
Jeong is a slow-growing emotional bond that develops through shared history, obligations, and everyday gestures. It is less about passion and more about enduring warmth. Jeong reminds us that love is not only declared but lived.
Counsellors who remember details of a client’s story, who consistently show up, who hold the memory of past sessions, are cultivating a therapeutic jeong that says “you matter over time.”
Mandarin Chinese: ai, qing, ganqing
Mandarin offers several overlapping terms. Ai is the direct translation of love, often idealised and used in poetry. Qing is broader, encompassing feelings and sentiment. Ganqing refers to the depth of relationship developed through interaction and shared experience. For many Chinese clients, ganqing may be a more resonant term than ai.
In therapy, it highlights that trust is not declared in words but built through continuity and reliability.
Ifaluk: fago
On the Micronesian atoll of Ifaluk, fago combines love, compassion, and sorrow. It is felt when someone suffers and another responds with tender care. This challenges Western notions that love must be cheerful.
In therapy, clients may encounter fago when a counsellor sits with them in grief, not trying to cheer them but offering compassionate presence.
Portuguese: saudade
Saudade expresses love through longing and absence. It is the ache of missing someone, of remembering with tenderness what is gone.
Clients experiencing bereavement or migration often live in saudade. To name this is to honour the depth of their attachment without rushing them towards closure.
Shame, honour, and the moral weight of love
Across cultures, love is not only an emotion but a moral act. To express love can affirm status or threaten it. Shame arises when love is withheld, or when affection risks exposing vulnerability. Honour arises when love is expressed in ways that protect dignity.
In therapy, these dynamics are alive. A client may feel shame if they perceive their longing for care as weakness. They may fear dishonour if they admit love for a parent who also harmed them. Counsellors must hold this tension with care. When we honour clients, we communicate that their needs do not diminish their worth. When we name shame, we open a path for it to signal the deeper need for connection rather than becoming a source of isolation.
Therapeutic traditions and love-adjacent language
Carl Rogers spoke of unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence as necessary conditions for change. These are love-adjacent concepts. They allow therapists to express care without stepping outside professional boundaries. Later writers on relational depth describe the profound meeting of client and counsellor where the client feels fully accepted.
Other therapeutic traditions also speak of love indirectly. Attachment-informed therapy highlights secure base and safe haven functions, which are expressions of steadfast care. Compassion-focused therapy explicitly invites both therapist and client to cultivate compassionate mind states. Even psychodynamic approaches, with their caution around transference, recognise that the longing for love shapes the therapeutic relationship.
Risks and misunderstandings in the counselling room
The word love is not neutral. For some clients, it recalls romance and sexuality. For others, it carries memories of manipulation or abuse. Therapists who use the word unthinkingly risk boundary violations or retraumatisation. Yet avoiding the word entirely can also create distance. Some clients may feel unseen if their expressions of love are minimised.
Navigating this requires discernment. Counsellors need to listen for the meanings their clients attach to love. They need to be clear about boundaries, able to distinguish between the love they offer in therapeutic regard and the forms of love that belong in other relationships.
Cultural translation: learning to listen for a client’s language of love
Every client brings a cultural lexicon. Some will resonate with words of affection. Others will prefer gestures of continuity, reliability, or respectful silence. Counsellors should ask clients what words or expressions feel comfortable. They should notice when a client lights up at recognition, or when shame signals that a word has landed badly.
This is not about adopting exotic terms uncritically. It is about humility. By listening for the client’s way of naming love, counsellors honour their culture and protect their dignity.
Practical guidance for UK counsellors
Boundary-safe language
Counsellors can express love-like regard without blurring roles. Phrases such as “I want to treat your story with care” or “What happened to you matters here” communicate commitment without romantic overtones.
Attuning to shame and honour cues
If a client withdraws or looks down after praise, shame may be rising. In that moment, gentler descriptive witnessing may feel more honouring than direct affirmation. If a client expresses concern about boundaries, reassurance of role clarity can preserve honour.
Working with silence and presence
In many cultures, love is shown through being rather than saying. Counsellors who sit in silence, maintaining steady presence, may be expressing profound care. The client experiences honour not in words but in the dignity of being accompanied.
Micro-behaviours that signal commitment
Remembering details, greeting clients warmly, keeping time boundaries, and maintaining confidentiality all communicate love-adjacent care. They show that the counsellor honours the relationship.
Why it matters: love as a signal of safety and dignity
Without love, therapy risks becoming technique without heart. With careless love, therapy risks harm. With honourable, shame-aware love, therapy becomes a space where clients can risk vulnerability, trust another human being, and heal.
The counsellor does not need to declare love in every session. They need to embody it in ways that align with the client’s culture, protect dignity, and sustain trust. To translate love across cultures is to make therapy more human, more ethical, and more transformative.
Finally: Towards an honourable language of love in counselling
The question is not whether love belongs in counselling but how it should be expressed. English alone cannot capture the richness of human experience. By learning from other cultures, counsellors in the UK can expand their vocabulary of care. By paying attention to shame and honour, they can ensure that love in therapy is safe, dignified, and healing.
Love remains the deepest signal that we belong. In the counselling room, expressed with clarity and honour, it can be the signal that makes healing possible.
If this blog resonates with you, take a moment to reflect on what the word love means in your own life. What language feels safe, honouring, and true for you? If you would like to explore these questions in therapy, I would be honoured to walk alongside you. Please feel free to reach out or leave a comment to continue the conversation.
